Dressage Crowns and Mental Breakdowns
I still can't believe that I can now say that Boz and I have competed in a CDI. I feel so lucky to be in Region 9, which is so supportive of this incredible opportunity. My first CDI was far from perfect, but looking back now, it was exactly what I needed.
The adventure started on the Saturday the week before the show. I was beginning to go into "show freak-out" mode, and it was affecting my riding. I was picking on everything that went wrong. Every misstep was calculated, but not in a way that was helpful. I was beginning to get into the mindset that we weren't ready, despite reassurances from my friends, coach, and parents that we were going to be fine.
As I was cooling out, still mulling over every minor misstep, I had a panic attack.
As freaky as they may be, I used to get fear-induced panic attacks while riding. I used to be a very timid rider (it still shows every now and then), so it was something I had the misfortune of dealing with fairly often. I even had an inhaler at one point because it got to be so bad. Luckily, I have overcome quite a bit of those fear issues, and I hadn't had a panic attack while riding in over a year.
Having that incident sent me over the edge. The possibility of my old habit returning on different terms was terrifying. I was proud of how far I'd come, I didn't want to go back. I was terrified about that situation setting the tone for the big weekend ahead. An opportunity like this CDI was something I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. It was within reach and yet... I felt as if I couldn't take one more step towards it.
I was able to find peace through my Faith, and through the fact that time would keep flowing. I could keep freaking out and stressing, but eventually the date would come. It took me several days, but I slowly began to refocus my mind and prepare for the exciting weekend.
When we arrived on the show-grounds, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. We were there, and we were ready... for the most part. We had an "expressive" ride on Wednesday, but Thursday's warm-up was spectacular. I was beginning to let my fears slip away (more like shove them out the door), and I was finally confident and excited about what we were there to do.
We passed the jog on Thursday, and Friday morning was our first show time. While most people were beaming as they went down a centerline like this, I was quite certain I was going to pee my pants (TMI?). Despite that, we had a great ride, and placed third with a 64%. Hopeful that Saturday would be even better, I went to bed over-the-moon happy.
Now, this is where the real fun begins.
I slept through my alarm just enough that I had to throw clothes on at top speed. Even though we were staying on the grounds, I found myself near-running to be able to make it to the barn to feed and braid. I was a bit panicked, but I was lucky that I hadn't slept in by much, and that I had given myself plenty of time to prepare in the morning. After braiding and tacking up, I was in the warm-up ring exactly when I needed to be. Our warm up was hands-down the best we'd ever had, and when my ride time came, I was beyond ready.
Famous last words, right?
I guess I'll start by saying that in my freestyle, we do a canter half-pass to centerline and then halt. In the FEI Individual Test (which we were showing), we do a canter half-pass to centerline and then a flying change... can you see where this is going?
Boz is a Lusitano. An incredibly smart breed. He. Remembers. Everything. So when we half-passed to centerline, he thought he was being an absolute genius when he slammed on the brakes. Stranded in front of all three judges, I panicked and brought him back into the canter. Only as I turned off of centerline did I realize I never showed the flying change on centerline. Great.
"No worries," I thought to myself. I had an extended canter on the diagonal next, and I decided to really go for it to make up the points we lost in the half-pass to change movement. The extended canter was very bold, and as I neared the rail, I realized that maybe we wouldn't be coming back? Bam! Missed the next change.
As I was fretting about the extended to flying-change mishap, I cantered right past centerline. I realized that I'd missed my turn to show the simple change, so I frantically turned up the quarter-line in hopes of salvaging my mistake... but it was too late. The judge at C recognized that I had forgotten the movement. She rang the bell, which meant an error, and we resumed our test.
From there it was pretty unexciting. There were more minor hiccups, but it was mainly just me motoring through the movements trying to figure out how so much could go wrong in so little time.
I came out the ring absolutely devastated, as one can imagine. After a moment of despair, I checked the score. A 58%, which was good considering what a disaster the test had been. I went back to our RV to have a moment of quiet and to think about all that had happened.
All that I had feared the week before had come to fruition. I thought that maybe Boz and I weren't meant to do these kinds of things... that maybe it wasn't our time yet. I had a good thirty minutes of freak-out behind the scenes because I was already terrified of that Disaster Test and how it would surely haunt me forever.
Still upset but hoping that some quiet time with Boz would help, I started to walk to the barn. As soon as I stepped out of the door I saw that my Mom was waiting, and she asked me to sit down. Confused, I complied, and I heard the most saddening words of the whole weekend.
A 58% didn't qualify me for the freestyle on Sunday.
If I thought I was sad before, that news somehow made it worse. The highlight of the weekend was going to be the freestyle. Even if I did flunk that one, I was absolutely in love with my freestyle, and I couldn't wait for Boz and I to perform it.
I was absolutely crushed, but after some thinking, it seemed like maybe there was a solution.
With the help of my Mom and an AWESOME team of show officials, I was able to transfer over to the concurrent National show. Because I hadn't been eliminated from the CDI, it was perfectly within the rules, and I was so relieved. All I wanted to do was to ride the freestyle, and to have a good experience in the ring again. I knew the music would bring that.
I got my ride time for Sunday, and though we couldn't show an FEI Junior freestyle, we were all set to show a USEF Third Level freestyle (which requires the same movements).
After the Awards' Ceremony, I quickly fed Boz his lunch so I could sit down with my trainer to discuss a game-plan for the next days' freestyle. My Mom decided to go grab my test from the show office so we could look over it and implement the judges' suggestions. Let me be clear... my Mom's attention to detail is insane, and she noticed something was wrong with the numbers before she even made it back to the stabling area.
I had an error, yes. An error at the FEI levels takes 2% off of the final score, yes. However, an FEI Junior test only takes 0.5% off of the score. There had been a scoring mistake, and a full 2% had accidentally been taken off my score instead of the 0.5%! That 1.5% put me just over a 60%, and just like that, we were back in the CDI!
The adventure started on the Saturday the week before the show. I was beginning to go into "show freak-out" mode, and it was affecting my riding. I was picking on everything that went wrong. Every misstep was calculated, but not in a way that was helpful. I was beginning to get into the mindset that we weren't ready, despite reassurances from my friends, coach, and parents that we were going to be fine.
As I was cooling out, still mulling over every minor misstep, I had a panic attack.
As freaky as they may be, I used to get fear-induced panic attacks while riding. I used to be a very timid rider (it still shows every now and then), so it was something I had the misfortune of dealing with fairly often. I even had an inhaler at one point because it got to be so bad. Luckily, I have overcome quite a bit of those fear issues, and I hadn't had a panic attack while riding in over a year.
Having that incident sent me over the edge. The possibility of my old habit returning on different terms was terrifying. I was proud of how far I'd come, I didn't want to go back. I was terrified about that situation setting the tone for the big weekend ahead. An opportunity like this CDI was something I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. It was within reach and yet... I felt as if I couldn't take one more step towards it.
I was able to find peace through my Faith, and through the fact that time would keep flowing. I could keep freaking out and stressing, but eventually the date would come. It took me several days, but I slowly began to refocus my mind and prepare for the exciting weekend.
When we arrived on the show-grounds, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. We were there, and we were ready... for the most part. We had an "expressive" ride on Wednesday, but Thursday's warm-up was spectacular. I was beginning to let my fears slip away (more like shove them out the door), and I was finally confident and excited about what we were there to do.
Jog on Thursday! |
We passed the jog on Thursday, and Friday morning was our first show time. While most people were beaming as they went down a centerline like this, I was quite certain I was going to pee my pants (TMI?). Despite that, we had a great ride, and placed third with a 64%. Hopeful that Saturday would be even better, I went to bed over-the-moon happy.
Now, this is where the real fun begins.
I slept through my alarm just enough that I had to throw clothes on at top speed. Even though we were staying on the grounds, I found myself near-running to be able to make it to the barn to feed and braid. I was a bit panicked, but I was lucky that I hadn't slept in by much, and that I had given myself plenty of time to prepare in the morning. After braiding and tacking up, I was in the warm-up ring exactly when I needed to be. Our warm up was hands-down the best we'd ever had, and when my ride time came, I was beyond ready.
Yes... this picture came from the Disaster Test! |
We started our test, and our trot work was solid.
Some of the best we'd had. The walk was mediocre, but the canter is where he usually shined. When I finally got to ask for that canter transition, I was so excited.I guess I'll start by saying that in my freestyle, we do a canter half-pass to centerline and then halt. In the FEI Individual Test (which we were showing), we do a canter half-pass to centerline and then a flying change... can you see where this is going?
Boz is a Lusitano. An incredibly smart breed. He. Remembers. Everything. So when we half-passed to centerline, he thought he was being an absolute genius when he slammed on the brakes. Stranded in front of all three judges, I panicked and brought him back into the canter. Only as I turned off of centerline did I realize I never showed the flying change on centerline. Great.
"No worries," I thought to myself. I had an extended canter on the diagonal next, and I decided to really go for it to make up the points we lost in the half-pass to change movement. The extended canter was very bold, and as I neared the rail, I realized that maybe we wouldn't be coming back? Bam! Missed the next change.
As I was fretting about the extended to flying-change mishap, I cantered right past centerline. I realized that I'd missed my turn to show the simple change, so I frantically turned up the quarter-line in hopes of salvaging my mistake... but it was too late. The judge at C recognized that I had forgotten the movement. She rang the bell, which meant an error, and we resumed our test.
From there it was pretty unexciting. There were more minor hiccups, but it was mainly just me motoring through the movements trying to figure out how so much could go wrong in so little time.
I came out the ring absolutely devastated, as one can imagine. After a moment of despair, I checked the score. A 58%, which was good considering what a disaster the test had been. I went back to our RV to have a moment of quiet and to think about all that had happened.
All that I had feared the week before had come to fruition. I thought that maybe Boz and I weren't meant to do these kinds of things... that maybe it wasn't our time yet. I had a good thirty minutes of freak-out behind the scenes because I was already terrified of that Disaster Test and how it would surely haunt me forever.
Still upset but hoping that some quiet time with Boz would help, I started to walk to the barn. As soon as I stepped out of the door I saw that my Mom was waiting, and she asked me to sit down. Confused, I complied, and I heard the most saddening words of the whole weekend.
A 58% didn't qualify me for the freestyle on Sunday.
If I thought I was sad before, that news somehow made it worse. The highlight of the weekend was going to be the freestyle. Even if I did flunk that one, I was absolutely in love with my freestyle, and I couldn't wait for Boz and I to perform it.
I was absolutely crushed, but after some thinking, it seemed like maybe there was a solution.
With the help of my Mom and an AWESOME team of show officials, I was able to transfer over to the concurrent National show. Because I hadn't been eliminated from the CDI, it was perfectly within the rules, and I was so relieved. All I wanted to do was to ride the freestyle, and to have a good experience in the ring again. I knew the music would bring that.
I got my ride time for Sunday, and though we couldn't show an FEI Junior freestyle, we were all set to show a USEF Third Level freestyle (which requires the same movements).
After the Awards' Ceremony, I quickly fed Boz his lunch so I could sit down with my trainer to discuss a game-plan for the next days' freestyle. My Mom decided to go grab my test from the show office so we could look over it and implement the judges' suggestions. Let me be clear... my Mom's attention to detail is insane, and she noticed something was wrong with the numbers before she even made it back to the stabling area.
I had an error, yes. An error at the FEI levels takes 2% off of the final score, yes. However, an FEI Junior test only takes 0.5% off of the score. There had been a scoring mistake, and a full 2% had accidentally been taken off my score instead of the 0.5%! That 1.5% put me just over a 60%, and just like that, we were back in the CDI!
My freestyle on Sunday was all over the place (it was my first one) but I loved every second! I had never showed a freestyle before, and it gave me chills to ride my favorite horse to my favorite music. I think I got a little distracted because of how excited I was, haha! We again placed third with a 64%, and the show finally came to a close.
To sum it up, everything that I had panicked about the week before came true on Saturday, and I still survived. I was so worried abut anything going wrong, but when it did, I discovered that it was the best experience that the show could have given me. Though it wasn't the "shining star" moment that every competitor hopes for, I'm glad it happened. It so lightened my mood for Sunday, reminding me that this is a hobby we share with equine partners who have very different ideas of fun. It also taught me to lighten up a bit. That no amount of stressing will make those unfortunate moments any less horrible, and that going through it with a laugh and a smile is the best way to handle it.
I wouldn't have wanted that weekend to go any other way. I love Boz, and I love this crazy up-and-down adventure we have going. It's so perfectly unique to us, and what a story it's turning out to be! I can't wait for our next show, and I can't wait to apply all that we learned from that weekend towards it!
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